SJ Wonder- A Biography (of sorts?)
“SAAAAY IT!”
“Ah, Hawks do I have to?”
“We made Charley Farley confess. Now it’s your turn.”
“Yeah, but I’m the author. And everybody knows that authors HATE to talk about themselves! They want their work to speak for them. That’s why I created you and Charley…Yeah, that’s it. You talk. You’re a whole lot more interesting than I am.”
“SJ, you better SAY IT or . . . I’ll tell them your middle name!”
“You wouldn’t!”
“Don’t tell anyone I didn’t warn you. . . Hey, Reader, the “J” in SJ stands for—”
“No, NO, NO! That’s a secret that can NEVER be revealed! Here goes … (sigh) My name is SJ Wonder….and I HATE my middle name!”
“SJ!”
“Holy Camoly, Hawks! You’re just not going to let this go, are you? I guess that’s my fault, too. After all, you did pop out of my brain. Remind me to make you a push-over in the next book! But for now, okay….deep breath. My name is SJ Wonder….and I’m a nerd!”
“See? Doesn’t it feel better to get that off your chest? After all, admitting you have a problem is the first step toward—”
“And not just any kind of a nerd—I sowed a USS Enterprise petty officer’s insignia to my catholic school uniform when I was nine. That costs me about three recesses inside with Sister Theresa. When I was ten, I wrote a report in science class on how it would be really, really cool to scramble my molecules in a Starfleet transporter. (Interesting aside: turns out, according to my teacher, not such a bright idea to scramble your molecules in a Starfleet transporter). All I ever wanted to be when I grew up was logical like Mr. Spock—well, until Mr. Data came along. Then all I wanted to do was wear pasty white makeup and pretend I found Human culture curiously odd. Then I had to leave it all behind for the disappointing illogicalness of adulthood. BUT when I got my first cell phone I practiced flipping it open like Kirk on an away mission—over and over and over and over—UNTIL the Big Bang Theory came along and—”
“Okay, I think everybody’s got a pretty clear picture there…Soooo while we’re waiting for the Intergalactic Patrol shuttlecraft to transport you to the lovely Star Trek rehab facility Charley booked you into on Ceres, I have Amazon’s list of mandatory author questions here…lightning round?”
“Well, Okay, I guess…”
“Favorite hockey team?”
“Toronto Maple Leafs.”
“Seriously? Was Canada even a country the last time they won the Stanley Cup?”
“Go ahead and scoff, Mr. Goalie—but the Leafs made it to the 2nd round last season. You’re just upset they didn’t draft YOU due to that unfortunate tailbone fracture.”
“Moving on!” (Grimacing, Hawks rubs butt) “Favorite character—Charley or me?”
“An author loves all of her characters equally. Next question.”
“Politician! DC Comics or Marvel?”
“Both---DC is classic Good vs. Evil while Marvel is messier and juicier.”
“Speaking of juicy— your favorite food?”
“That’s easy —”
“No, let me guess…Charley’s favorite food is chocolate ice cream…so I’d have to guess, um, CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM!
“Nope, broccoli.”
“C’mon. You’re supposed to be interesting enough that this kind and intelligent reader wants to read our book! Be serious.”
(SJ silently shakes head) “Sadly, it’s true. Let’s interview you, Hawks.”
SJ! I know better! The brilliant mind that created me cannot possibly favor broccoli over chocolate. After all, YOU’RE the one who turned Charley into a—”
“Shush! Don’t give away the story before our kind and intelligent reader has a chance to read Amazon’s free preview! Besides, I didn’t do that horrific thing to Charley—Esmeralda did!”
Alright, let me re-phrase the question. If you were stranded on a desert island, which would it be—a lifetime supply of all things chocolate or plain old broccoli?”
“Broccoli.”
“Alright, I give up! You are a nerd…what’s your favorite thing of all time to do?”
“Write about you Andromedian aliens, of course.”
“Awe…what a lovely brown nose thing for a human author to say! Um, last question on Amazon’s list…Where do you live, who do you live with and how many pets do you have?”
“Why don’t we just skip that part and let our lovely reader click on the Amazon free preview of “The Adventures of Charley Farley: The Scorpion’s First Sting.”
“The Adventures of Charley Farley and Hawks—I work just as hard as he does.”
“Someday, I will name a book after you, Hawks.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
“The title font better be bigger!”
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